Is It OK to Have Aesthetic Goals?

The short answer is yes, but as per usual, there is a heavy dose of nuance when it comes to determining whether one is ready to pursue aesthetic goals. I fully acknowledge and believe that every woman has the right to choose what she wants to do with her own body, but I do think we need to be really honest with ourselves when embarking on this endeavor.

If you’re like the majority if Western women, chances are you’ve been trying to manipulate and mold your body for years, or it was a significant pursuit at some point in your life.

Many of the women in my life and those I work with can’t remember a time when they weren’t actively trying to change their bodies via diet and exercise, and I was in the same boat up until a few years ago.

At that time, I decided that my mental and emotional well-being trumped my physical appearance, and I accepted that I had to fully give up aesthetic goals. I wasn’t sure if this would be a permanent or temporary separation, but I did know that a sufficient amount of space was required to heal.

This space meant:

• Eating according to body signals, not rules set by someone else.
• Eating for enjoyment while remaining present in the moment.
• Sitting with my urges to revert back to controlling my food intake and getting curious about them.
• Accepting the notion that I may gain a few pounds and asking myself how this would really affect my life. Spoiler: I did, and it didn’t.
• Surrounding myself with a supportive social circle and spending time alone in an effort to sift through the layers of my disordered eating, body obsession, and inner turmoil.
• Consciously choosing to not weigh myself or spend too much time in the mirror.
• Exercising out of enjoyment or in pursuit of performance-based goals, not out of a desire to change the appearance of my body.
• Spending my now-free-time learning about and doing things that interested me. In all honesty, the list was really short in the beginning, and this tends to happen when our lives are completely wrapped up in our diets and fitness.

It can be extremely difficult to normalize our thoughts and behaviors around food and to view our bodies through a different lens when we’re in pursuit of the same goal we’ve had for years: manipulating our bodies. 

Our brains are going to have a difficult time separating the pursuit for aesthetic changes from our previous habits.

As such, I typically recommend the complete removal of aesthetic goals from the equation for a period of time (which varies for each person). This makes most clients extremely uncomfortable in the beginning, as changes often do.

But if you stop and think about it, the way you’ve been doing it for the last several months, years, or decades likely hasn’t been working for you. So why not try a different approach?

While this concept may provide a great deal of angst initially, the emotional and mental freedom experienced shortly after diving into this approach is often life-changing. Time, energy, and precious resources are now able to be utilized elsewhere, and it can seem like a second lease on life.

This initial high typically wears off after the first few days or weeks, as the diet rules we’ve previously relied on so heavily are gone, and we haven’t learned to trust ourselves or our bodies. The fear of weight gain and the need for control creep back in.

I can’t reiterate this enough: the process of unlearning diet rules, connecting with our bodies, and establishing a trusting and stress-free relationship with food and our bodies takes time. This often means several months, if not years. Still worth it? Absolutely.

I bring up the emotional rollercoaster and the time commitment required for the healing process to illustrate why aesthetic goals are usually not appropriate during those stages. Ups and downs are plentiful, and superficial goals only muddy the waters.

We often think that we can accomplish both at the same time, but the length of time it takes to achieve food freedom is much shorter if we release the aesthetics from the equation.

The ebbs and flows will eventually even out after a sufficient amount of introspection, dedication, patience, self-compassion, and time.

Am I Ready?

Once healed from the tumultuous relationship with food and body, many find the pursuit of aesthetic goals completely unappealing, while others decide to dip their toe back in to the pond of aesthetic goals. At this time, I recommend asking oneself the following questions and being really honest with the answers.

What is the reason I want to change my body?

If pursuing the goal to garner the attention, validation, or approval of others, I’d caution against it.

What do I expect to gain from the physical change?

If you’re expecting to gain newfound happiness from a smaller or leaner body, I’d caution against it.

How will I respond if my body doesn’t change in the way I would like?

If you’re anticipating a reaction of self-loathing and disappointment if your body doesn’t change in the way you expect, I’d caution against it.

Is this desire rooted in how others perceive me? Or others’ definitions of beauty or attractiveness (i.e. if other humans weren’t around me, would I still want to pursue this goal)?

If your goal is rooted in the definitions of beauty/attractiveness of others rather than your own, then I’d caution against it. **This is difficult to unpack, as most of our perceptions of beauty are deeply rooted in society’s ideals. Asking yourself if you would still want X appearance (such as more muscle or a bigger bum) if trends moved away from this ideal is a good place to start.

Do I spend any time or energy feeling guilty about my food choices?

If you’re still attaching negative emotions to food choices, then I’d caution against it.

Do I eat to cope with emotions?

If you’re eating to cope with emotions often, especially unconsciously, then I’d caution against it.

Do I honor my hunger and satiety signals most of the time?

If you’re frequently overriding hunger and satiety cues, I’d caution against it.

Do I feel energetic, both physically and mentally, as a result of the foods I eat? (i.e. am I adequately fueling myself)?

If you’re feeling like shit due to insufficient quality or quantity of food, then there may be a health concern at play, you may still be undereating in calories, or your diet primarily consists of processed foods. In any of these scenarios, I’d caution against it.

Am I able to step on the scale or use another objective measurement with emotional detachment to the numbers?

If you’re feeling emotional responses to the number on the scale or still very fearful of the number, I’d caution against it.

What are the sacrifices this goal will require? Am I willing to accept these trade-offs?

If you’re not willing to accept the sacrifices required to make these changes, that’s completely fair and understandable. The freedom feels so goodJ I’d caution against it.

If my mind starts to revert back to old patterns, do I have an exit strategy?

If you don’t have an exit strategy, safety net, or support system if you start to revert back to old patterns, I’d caution against it. **We can’t predict the future, and old thought patterns can resurface when embarking on goals based on appearance. Acknowledging this possibility is important, as is having a plan in place to manage this potential outcome.

Am I planning to pursue this goal thoughtfully? Am I planning to leverage a coach to guide me through the process?

If you don’t know how to make changes in a slow, balanced, and controlled manner and/or don’t want to hire someone to help? I’d caution against it.

Do I judge the bodies of other women? Or feel badly about myself if another woman is leaner, thinner, more muscular, etc. than me?

If the answer is yes, there is still more to unpack in regards to how you define your worth, in addition to that of other women. I’d caution against it.

Do I exercise in an effort to “undo” my food or drink choices from the previous day(s)? Am I exercising to control the appearance of my body?

If the answer is yes to either of these questions, then I’d caution against it.

The preferred answers to some of these questions are obvious, while others are more nuanced. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer to many of them either, but it’s clear when intentions are rooted in negative emotions or external validation. That’s what we want to avoid.

You can see that there are several facets of a solid relationship with food and our body, and the list above could certainly be extended. But these questions serve as a solid starting point for honest introspection about your desire to change your body.

In the end, if you feel comfortable with your responses to these questions and decide to embark on aesthetic changes, then that’s great! Each woman is entitled to making that decision for herself.

My hope is that you allow yourself the time and space to truly heal before jumping into this endeavor. You may begin and quickly discover that it’s actually not what you’re seeking, or you may find that you’re able to keep your aesthetics in perspective.

Please remember that they still don’t define you. They’re just superficial play.

I Don't Care About What You're Doing - I Care About Why You're Doing It

It’s common for us to look at ideas, issues, concepts, others, and ourselves through a black and white lens. This makes it easier for us; it makes us feel more secure and in control, as if everything has strictly defined order. However, in my own personal experience and those of my clients and loved ones, the majority of happenings in life fall into the grey category.

Standing steadfastly in one dogmatic camp is extremely common in the health and fitness industry, and with these extreme views often comes a lot of attention. However, I believe that by removing the nuance of each situation, idea, or circumstance, we’re doing ourselves a great disservice.

Looking at people, events, or concepts through a black and white lens means we’re only looking at the surface, and it dismisses the depth of the issue.

When it comes to aesthetic goals, it’s common for people to fall into one of two categories: those in pursuit of a challenge, a practice in discipline, and who understand the physical outcome is transient and superficial, and those who pursue them out of an attachment of their appearance to their self-worth, value, or in an effort to impress others.

The same goal and actions on the surface, yet two very different sets of intentions.

When it comes to tracking food, weighing ourselves, or utilizing any other metric to monitor and track objective progress, it’s common for people to fall into similar camps. I.e. those who are seeking control or don’t trust themselves or their bodies and those who can look at the results objectively and without any attachment to their worth.

One methodology, yet two different sets of intentions.

When meal-prepping, the two camps are often those who want to exercise control over their food due to a lack of trust or disconnection to their bodies (i.e. the wheels will fall off the bus without the strict system) and those who want to have healthy food available quickly, to save time, and to feel better physically.

One process, yet two different sets of intentions.

Exercise, especially the more intense variety like Crossfit or long-distance races, can be completed out of a desire to be challenged physically and mentally and for the enjoyment, whereas another may pursue this activity in an attempt to punish oneself for food choices or in hopes of achieving external validation and accolades.

One activity, yet two different sets of intentions.

Someone can appear as the perfect image of health on the surface but be wrought with a lack of self-worth, disconnection to their body, or due to the pursuit of perfection or external validation.

Alternatively, someone may be enjoying a diet that includes a decent amount of processed foods, and they’re in the process of overcoming an overly restrictive relationship with food. If someone were to judge their eating behaviors on the surface, they would likely label this person as unhealthy, lazy, or disconnected, when they’re really in a process of healing.

The version of me ten years ago engaged in some of the habits I engage in today, including meal prep, cooking many of my meals at home, and working out regularly, yet my intentions back then were rooted in an obsession with changing my appearance, the pursuit of perfection and external validation, and a means of exercising control.

Today, these habits are driven by a desire to treat my body, mind, and spirit with self-respect and nourishment, in addition to enjoyment and the love of a challenge (Hello, crossfit).

When it comes to making personal choices for your health and fitness, I often don’t care what you’re doing—I care why you’re doing it.  Focus on the intentions behind your actions, and if they’re rooted in a foundation of negativity or hustle for value and worth, you’ve found your work.

The work is always beneath the surface.

The Scale Isn't the Problem

I had a revelation a few years ago when I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office after almost one year of not weighing myself, and I was around five pounds heavier than I had been previously. I didn’t panic, I didn’t feel like a failure. In fact, I didn’t feel much of anything.

It’s not as though I dismissed the number and avoided reality—I heard the number loud and clear, and I watched as the nurse scribbled it down on her clipboard. The only emotion I felt was one of surprise. I was surprised by my emotional detachment to the number.

Prior to my one-year hiatus from the scale, I was exhausted from the daily hustle for body change, obsessively thinking about my next meal, examining how “good” or “bad” my eating habits were that day, how much exercise I needed to do to “undo” my weekend, how long it might take me to reach my ideal body composition, and the latest diet strategy.

I truly didn’t know if I would be able to release my attachment to my weight, size, or body composition, but I did know that things couldn’t stay the same. I couldn’t continue to focus on external validation in pursuit of inner peace and acceptance, so I tried a different approach.

I focused on defining myself by internal metrics and dove deeply into self-discovery. I spent time learning who I truly was as a person and what I wanted, how I was treating others, how I was showing up for myself, whether I spoke my mind and enforced boundaries, and what layers I had assumed from my upbringing and social surroundings.

I vowed to honor my body, to get to know her, to listen to her, and to spend my energy on who I am as a person as opposed to the external metrics.

All of this, of course, coincided with my consistent meditation practice. I explored my internal landscape, and while I was often terrified by what I found, I continued on and maintained my internal focus.

Slowly but surely, my yearning for the external validation began to dissipate, and my internal resolve strengthened. I began to feel more comfortable speaking my opinions freely, saying no to others, establishing clear boundaries (a struggle for this former people-pleaser), accepting responsibility for my projections and emotions, and showing others more grace and compassion as I bestowed the same courtesy upon myself.

Stepping on the scale that day taught me that the scale was never the problem—it was the emotion, the worth, and the validation that I attached to it.

It’s understandable to demonize the numbers—macros, calories, steps, the number on the scale. For many of us, these numbers come with so much emotional weight attached to them. Yet, those who have never struggled with their body image or obsession with food are able to have a distant and objective relationship with these measurements.  

I was wholeheartedly convinced that I would never be able to have a similar relationship with these metrics. That my mood and feelings of worthiness would always be dictated by my weight, my measurements, my activity levels, and food tracking.

Stepping on the scale that day proved otherwise. I had unknowingly put in the work to reframe my relationship with the scale—to be able to see these objective measurements as just that: objective.

When We’re Feeling UnGrounded

The process of detaching our emotions to the numbers is one that takes quite a bit of time and introspection, so if you’re firmly planted in the cycle of food and body obsession or are feeling ungrounded on your road to recovery, I highly recommend avoiding them.

I don’t track my food or weigh myself regularly, and I believe the sporadic nature of viewing these metrics allows me to continue my emotional detachment. Would I be able to maintain my distant relationship with the numbers if I was looking at them everyday? I’d like to think so, but there currently isn’t a reason for me to test that theory.

I still have days when my sense of self is shaky, my body image isn’t strong, and my mind is tempted to go down the path of controlling my food. On these days, I make it a point to avoid exposure to any of these metrics. 

Our internal state is the meaning-maker; not the numbers.

Using the Scale

The numbers no longer matter to me as it stands today. My weight is absolutely irrelevant to my priorities at the moment.

However, If I decide to embark on a journey of leaning out in the future, the number on the scale may be a valuable metric to track objective progress, not my worth. 

If you find yourself in a place of wanting to change your body and are in a stable relationship with food and your body—meaning neither have any bearing on your self-worth—then I recommend consistently checking in with yourself to ascertain your emotional detachment to the numbers.

• Are you starting to feel anxious when stepping on the scale?
• Does the number on the scale affect your mood?
• Do you view yourself negatively if the number is higher than expected?
• Do you view yourself as a better person if the number is lower?

If the answer is yes to any of the above, then I recommend taking the scale out of the equation and reconsidering your body goals. Chances are, there is still work left to do internally, which is perfectly normal and understandable.  As a general guideline, I highly recommend spending more time and energy on your internal relationship with yourself and your body before pursuing any form of physical change.

Undoing years of conditioning and reframing thought patterns can take an equal number of years, if not more. And if you never want to step on another scale or pursue any form of body change again, that’s ok tooJ

At the end of the day, the scale only depicts an objective measurement of our bodies against gravity. It tells nothing of our worth or our value, yet we have been conditioned to subscribe our value to the number.

Perhaps our goals shouldn’t be to damn the scale or to vow to never step on one again, but to rather feel the exact same way about ourselves regardless of the results. That’s standing in our power, and it’s a true testament to where we’re placing our value.

Six Real-Life Benefits of Meditation & Why You Should Start

As I’ve noted previously in this post about how I started my meditation practice and in this one about how to develop your own, the true benefits are often lost on people. It’s perceived as “woo-woo” by many, and while I love myself some woo, this leads to many immediately dismissing it due to a perceived lack of true benefit.  As if the benefits aren’t rooted in science.

My intention isn’t to list the results of scientific studies, but rather to demonstrate the real-life, universally applicable benefits that can be experienced from a consistent meditation practice. Meditation is one of my greatest passions, as I believe in the benefits wholeheartedly.

These benefits are often not immediately visible or perceivable by ourselves, although they can be. The effects are subtle in nature – building over time and eventually transforming the ways in which we interact with ourselves internally, our bodies, others, and triggering situations. It’s a magical transformation, really.

1.     Familiarity with our internal dialogue

In today’s Western society, there’s no shortage of methods of distraction and ways to neglect our thoughts and emotions. It’s not uncommon for people to feel uncomfortable in silence and stillness, as it leads to them being alone with their thoughts. Unfortunately, this is an incredibly novel experience for many.

If you fall into this category, you’re in a constant state of fear inside your own home due to an unfamiliarity with its inhabitants. What could be more anxiety inducing than that?

Through a consistent practice, we become aware and eventually familiar with the thoughts swirling in our minds, and when we’re exposed to new-to-us thoughts and ideas, we’re able to observe them rather than immediately react.

When it comes to our thoughts about food and our bodies, becoming familiar with negative thought patterns is imperative. Additionally, we begin to identify thought patterns that can lead to reaching for food when our bodies aren’t actually hungry.

2.     Awareness of our body and its signals

As I noted in this post about hunger signals, it’s not uncommon to have zero awareness of what our bodies are saying to us.  Meditation provides the stillness to tune into our physical being, to feel different areas of our bodies, and to practice listening to what they’re telling us.

An easily accessible way to begin tuning into your body is a body scan during meditation. After you close your eyes and settle into a comfortable seat, begin by focusing on the sensations in your toes, and move your awareness up your body – up your legs, into your hips, lower and upper stomach, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, back, jaw, and head.

I recommend keeping a journal of any unique or new-to-you sensations you experience. If everything feels new, that’s OK too! It isn’t commonplace to be tuned in to our bodies, especially if we’ve been enacting extreme dieting or exercise behaviors, so it can feel like foreign territory at first.

You’ll begin to notice greater awareness of your body’s signals throughout your day-to-day activities, and it will become much easier to understand what it needs. But again, this is a practice and it takes time, so patience is key.

3.     Ability to observe our thoughts rather than react to them

While we become familiar with routine thought patterns, there are always new experiences and thoughts that surface throughout our lives.  These may be due to completely novel experiences and stimuli, or they may be a result of deeply-rooted experiences held in our subconscious (triggers).

These may arise during meditation, but they often occur while we’re actively experiencing things in the world.

Our time spent in meditation, observing our thoughts without judgment, translates into how we respond to these triggering thoughts or situations throughout our days.

In these instances, we can use to skill we’ve developed during meditation and now have the ability to pause and observe our mind’s initial reactions. We’re able to use our minds rather than the inverse.

4.     Responding to triggers with greater space and awareness

Once we’ve developed the skill of observing thoughts outside of our meditation practice, we begin to notice our trigger patterns and are able to actively choose how to respond to people, situations, places, words, etc.

For example, family interactions can be a trigger for many people. When a family member says something that triggers us and we feel the urge to respond with an impulsive, negative reaction, we can recognize this in the moment and become curious about our impulse to react through space.

In this space, which can be a few seconds to a number of days, we’re able to decide how to respond from a place of calm and one that is in integrity with our higher selves, not our egos (“monkey brain”).

5.     Awareness of who we think we are, who really are, and the distance between the two

As we continue to develop our ability to create space between our thoughts and our actions, we increase our awareness of the ways we show up in the world that are a product of conditioning and are not in alignment with who we really are (or choose to be).  This the difference between our egos and our souls. Between our monkey brains and our authentic selves.

Do I really believe there is something wrong with my cellulite, or did I assume this narrative at a young age?

Is my fear of carbs rational, or is it the result of misinformation or the attachment of my worthiness to my food choices?

Am I picking apart my body because it’s what I observed growing up, or do I truly feel like I need to look perfect to be loved?

Am I voicing this political opinion because it was the way I was raised? Or do I really feel this way?

Is this jealous reaction who I truly am, or is it the response of previous experiences that led me to believe there isn’t enough to go around for all women?

Am I participating in gossip because it’s a habit and a product of my social conditioning? Is this behavior in alignment with my truest values?

It’s not uncommon for there to be an uncomfortably large gap between who we’ve been showing up as vs. who we really are or want to be, and this is where the urge to distract or numb surfaces.

For me, I realized that I had been conditioned to believe that I had to please everyone in order to be loved. If I said no, drew a boundary, or expressed my pain, then I was a burden and unworthy.  This realization meant I had a lot of work ahead of me and plenty of baggage to unpack, and it was terrifying initially.  However, the notion of staying the same was even more terrifying.

Don’t run from this benefit of the practice – it’s one of the most beautiful benefits!

6.     Discipline

Similar to any other habit, it takes discipline and consistency to see improvement and to experience the benefits, and this is especially true in the beginning.

When I first started my meditation practice, I didn’t have any first-hand guidance and quite honestly, I wasn’t really sure what I was doing. But I did know that I wouldn’t see any benefits without practicing. 

I figured that at the very least, I was training myself to commit to doing something for five minutes every morning.  I was improving my ability to commit to a goal, to commit to myself, and to continue despite the experience of frustration or discomfort.

Five minutes per day is manageable for almost every person – it’s a matter of making the time, setting the timer, and choosing to practice despite the confusion or discomfort.

Learning to practice discipline is a benefit in and of itself, and the time commitment of just five minutes makes the barrier to entry incredibly low (i.e. almost no excuses).

Meditation is a consistent part of my life, and during the few periods of taking a couple weeks or months off, the difference was palpable. This may or may not have been visible to an external eye (I didn’t ask), but the differences in my own internal experience, my connection to myself, my connection to my body, my connection to others, and the ways in which I showed up in the world were stark.

I strongly encourage everyone to commit to a meditation practice of thirty days – just five minutes per day. You can refer to my post here to walk you through the basics, but don’t be afraid to leverage a guided meditation app or youtube videos if you prefer.

Commit to yourself for five minutes a day, and at the very least, you’ll develop a stronger sense of discipline. But you just may uncover a whole new awareness of yourself, your body, loved ones, triggering people and situations, and the world around you – who wouldn’t want that?

We're All in This Together, so Let's Leave the Judgment Behind

Those with a healthy body image, (i.e. those who don’t define their worth by their appearance and therefore don’t view food as the gateway to their self-worth) can approach diets and nutrition from a scientific and data-driven perspective without losing their shit. They look at their choices objectively.

Me and one of my best friends - supporting as all hell of eachother's successes and struggles alike.

Those of us who struggle or who have struggled to separate our worth from our appearance usually have an emotional attachment to our food choices.

For example, I started losing weight in high school after receiving a comment about eating too much and gaining a few pounds during puberty, and I subsequently believed there was something wrong with my body and therefore me as a person.

Food and my diet became the gateway to my self-worth from that day forward, leading to a decade-long a love/hate relationship with food.

As I began to take the focus off of my appearance and instead directed my energy towards who I was as a person for myself and others, what I could contribute to the world, and spent time on things that lit me up, I began to view food differently. It ceased to carry the weight of defining me as a person.

Today, as the result of unraveling the connection of my self-worth to my appearance and my food choices, I’m able to make adjustments to my intake as a means of experimentation while being mindful of detaching my worth from the outcome.

If I want to gain some muscle, I look at food as a source of added fuel. If I want to lose some fat, I ensure I’m filling up on lots of vegetables and become mindful of my snacking. If I don’t have any goals and simply want to spend more free time socializing without much structure, then I tend to eat more food and imbibe more often.  And the number on the scale is just that: a number.

Jessie 5-7 years ago would have lost her damn mind making the choices above. They would have been wrought with anxiety, anger, confusion, and desperation.  Jessie today makes these choices with a sense of ease, calm, empowerment, and detachment.

My self-worth is no longer attached to the outcome of my food choices.

I’ve been in both camps throughout my journey with food and my body, in addition to somewhere in the middle as I healed:

Neurotic and obsessive

Detached and objective in relation to the outcome

We all reside in different stages along the food and body obsession spectrum, and none of our stories or journeys look the same.  Would it be easy for me to look back at the former version of myself and judge her for her neurosis? Yes, absolutely. But there’s nothing superior about the detached and objective mindset I currently maintain.

I worked hard to get here, but I have the utmost understanding and empathy for that former version of myself.

The Judgment

Judging the former versions of ourselves, or women currently in that stage of their journey, is a projection of our own insecurities. Our own self-judgment. Our own wounds we have yet to heal.

As we progress along our journeys of healing our relationships with food and our bodies, it’s easy to analyze and judge the choices of other women. We project our struggles, we project our insecurities, we project our shame. And we assume other women have the same story we do.

“She has to have an eating disorder if she’s that lean.”

“If she’s avoiding alcohol, she clearly has a neurotic relationship with her body.”

“She works out so often – she must be suffering from an obsession.”

“She claims she has food intolerances? That’s a red flag for disordered eating.”

These comments are a projection of our former (or current) selves onto other women. Women we likely know nothing about, and we certainly don’t know the intricacies of their relationships to food and their bodies today. 

Women who live according to the statements above may make those choices from an objective, detached perspective.  With a firm and stable sense of self-worth despite the outcome of those choices.  With a strong sense of self-respect.

Alternatively, women who living according to those statements may, in-fact, be struggling with their food and body obsessions. They may be suffering on a deep level internally, despite the appearance of their outer shell.

Regardless of the current status of their journeys, our role isn’t to judge, to project, or to isolate. Our role is support one another, to empathize with the experience of being a woman in today’s superficial and judgmental society, and to focus on our own shit.

When we feel compelled to judge another woman for her choices, let us first turn inward and ask ourselves what we’re missing.

Do I want that lean body I’m talking shit about?

Am I still struggling to separate my self-worth from my appearance?

Do I envy the discipline that woman is emulating? 

Am I subscribing to a zero-sum mentality, where I believe her beauty detracts from my own?

What part of me is still calling for healing?

We judge others when we’re still judging ourselves, and despite the urge to project our wounds outwardly, the need to separate ourselves from other women won’t cease until we’ve truly reconciled our own internal battles.

That woman we feel tempted to judge may have fought her way through the trenches of food and body obsession and is now able to make choices from a place of peace, intuition, and self-respect.

That woman may also need our empathy, support, and love more than ever as she fights her internal battles.

Our role is to mind our own side of the street, to take inventory of our own internal battles, and to offer love and support to our fellow women while we do the same for ourselves.

Our stories don’t look the same, and we’re all in this together. So let’s leave the judgment behind.

Beneath the Surface - What's Really Causing Your Food & Body Obsession?

I very much believe that a solid and intuitive relationship with food requires a two-pronged approach of 1) a mostly whole foods diet that can benefit from specific macronutrient changes when based on our activity, hormones, genetics, etc. (i.e. the tactical approaches) and 2) an intuitive and mindful relationship with food and our bodies that is rooted in self-respect.

I discussed one of the tactical nutritional approaches, low carb, that really grinds my gears in recent blog posts (here and here), but there is SO MUCH MORE to the story. Those changes can be profound, yes, but unless our internal landscape is receiving just as much focus and attention, we won’t feel differently on a deeper level. Which is what we’re really seeking once we peel back the layers.

In fact, many women find that they don’t need to change anything about their diets or bodies at all – the internal work is what’s been calling for their attention.

Our often-tumultuous relationships with food and our bodies can be rooted in a myriad of past and present traumas, stressors, and/or projections. Some examples include the need to exercise control, low self-esteem or perceived lack of worthiness, past or current trauma or abuse (physical and/or emotional), a lack of presence in life, a disconnection to our physical bodies, and a lack of connection to others. 

What do all of these have in common?

They’re internal. And rather than address the root cause of our disordered and unhealthy relationships with food and our bodies, we resort to food as a means of distraction. It’s our magic pill for instant relief from what’s really calling for our attention, usually by way of over or undereating or a similar relationship with exercise.

This often occurs without us being aware of the connection. When my obsessions with food and my body began at the age of sixteen, I had no idea that I was using them as a coping mechanism for feeling self-conscious and unworthy. 

It takes effort to hone in on the root cause of our pain and discomfort – it requires space and reflection, and this can be incredibly uncomfortable in the beginning. Our brains often default to the easy route of deflection.

Overtime, however, we can learn to use the arrival of these thought patterns to our benefit.

When I find myself starting to critique my body or obsess over my food, it’s a clear sign that something is calling for my attention internally.

What am I ignoring?

What am I failing to acknowledge and feel?

Do I simply need to slow down and spend more time connecting with myself and the present?

Do I need to confront issues in a relationship?

Do I need more time in nature?

Am I surrounding myself with people who aren’t supportive and growth-minded?

Once we dig into the answers to these questions, it becomes clear that our food and bodies aren’t the issues. They never have been.

For example, if we’ve gained weight throughout our lives due to being disconnected from our bodies and subsequently eating as an emotional coping mechanism, the food wasn’t the issue. Neglecting the emotional turmoil, failing to connect to the present and our bodies, and masking our pain or discomfort was.

How do we identify what is really calling for our attention?

1. Slow Down & Get Grounded in the Present – mindfulness is a non-negotiable here. Before we can identify patterns, we need to find a way to connect with ourselves internally, in addition to our bodies and the physical world around us. Meditation is a great way to do this, but getting outside in nature or even spending some time in silence and solitude can be powerful.
2. Journal – We need to take an objective view of what’s going on inside our minds, so start by writing the details of the occurrences of overeating, undereating, obsessing over macros or calories, critiquing your body, or even criticizing the bodies of others. Get as granular as possible, even if you believe the thoughts to be completely unrelated.
3. Connect the Dots – Are you having relationship struggles? Do you hate your job or chosen career? Do you feel neglected or unworthy in a particular relationship? Are you moving through life too quickly? Are you failing to speak your authentic truth? These are just a few examples, but chances are that you’ll find a projection of turmoil, confusion, or neglect in other areas of life onto food and/or your body.

This work takes time and dedication, and I believe it to be lifelong work. We never cease to be challenged in life, and our initial, default reaction may always be to revert to obsession over food and our bodies when our internal landscape is out of alignment.

These thought patterns are often my default reaction, and rather than view them through a lens of disdain and resentment, I choose gratitude.

I’ve become so familiar with these thought patterns that when I identify and observe them, I quickly know that I have some work to do internally. I then follow the steps outlined above.

While this work can be challenging and uncomfortable, especially in the beginning, remember that deflection and avoidance are characteristic of the easy route – a path that allows the initial wound to fester and expand.

Truly looking beneath the surface to the core of our wounds is the work of the warrior. It’s scary shit, and it certainly isn’t easy. But it’s absolutely necessary for change.

What’s bubbling up beneath the surface and calling for your attention?

How to Increase Your Carb Intake & Address Your Fears

Be sure to check out Part I where I discuss some of the signs of a diet too low in carbohydrates and why they’re important.

This can be a touchy subject for some, so if the topic of weight loss or manipulating your diet is triggering in any way, then I don’t recommend reading the rest of this.

Please note that there is nothing wrong with eating in a caloric surplus, and it was completely fine for me at the time and can be necessary for some people when healing their bodies. Reducing my obsession with food and my fear of carbohydrates was more important to me than gaining some weight, so the tradeoff was certainly worth it, as it often is for many others.  

However, gaining weight doesn’t have to occur as part of the process (although it still may), and if I can alleviate some of that fear for women in order to get them to increase their carbohydrate intake, then I will via the information here.

As I noted in Part I of this series, I learned that calories are king when it comes to fat loss. I gained fat when I increased my carbohydrate intake due to an overall increase in calories, not the increase of carbohydrates. I was eating a sufficient amount of overall food before this increase, so when I added the carbohydrates without reducing the quantity of food elsewhere, I was then eating in a caloric surplus. In simplistic terms, I was eating a diet of moderate protein, moderate carbohydrates, and high fat.

I had subscribed to a high-fat, low-carb diet for almost a decade, so I didn’t have a barometer for a moderate or low amount of fat in my diet. It was a macronutrient I didn’t think about previously, as I was under the impression that carbohydrates were the magical ticket to fat loss or fat gain and that dietary fat could be consumed with abandon.

I knew fat has 9 calories per gram and both protein and carbs have 4 calories per gram, but I was still resistant to the validity of calories in vs. calories out determining changes in body composition. As a result, I was still consuming quite a bit of fat in addition to the carbohydrates.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a diet that consists of high amounts of both fat and carbohydrates, as everyone’s bodies, lifestyles, and goals are different. However, the amount of fat I was consuming wasn’t necessary for the function of my body. Additionally, a diet high in fat often leads to consuming a large number of calories with a low volume of food.

Changes to Fat Consumption

I decided to experiment with decreasing my dietary fat intake after I had increased my carb intake to a sufficient and healthy amount, my body had become relatively weight stable, and my bodily functions were positively consistent (i.e. consistent period, sleeping well, stable digestion, performing well in the gym).

I struggled with making these changes during the first few weeks, as I naturally gravitated towards high-fat foods after eating in this manner for years.  This is extremely common, as we often gravitate towards choices that are habitual and comfortable. However, after doing some research and practicing some awareness, I was able to find my groove with leaner cuts of meat and little to no additional fat intake.

Results of Consuming Less Fat

I learned that I felt less “sluggish” with the decreased fat intake, that the amount I had been consuming previously wasn’t necessary to the overall satisfaction I experienced from meals, and that I didn’t actually enjoy the additional fats I was consuming on a regular basis.

The butter in my coffee? Didn’t miss it, and I didn’t really enjoy it in the first place. The avocado with every meal? Not necessary for me to feel satisfied. Leaner cuts of meat? Not a problem, as fats are used when cooking all components of my meals (i.e. oil or butter being used when cooking vegetables, potatoes, meats, etc.).

However, I did realize that I need some level of fat in every meal in order to feel satisfied and energized. Meals that contain essentially no fat don’t lead to sufficient enjoyment of my meals, and I learned this through experimentation.  This means that a meal of chicken breast needs to include a slice of bacon, sprinkle of cheese, or vegetables cooked in more fat.

I often find the results above to ring true with my clients as well. It’s easy to become so indoctrinated into a way of eating that we don’t pause to consider whether or not we should be open to alternatives. Or that we may feel better and experience more enjoyment from a different approach.

This often translates into clients realizing that they don’t need as much fat in their meals as they thought, especially with the addition of the carbohydrates.

Ways to Experiment

Today, when clients are consuming a high-fat, low-carb diet and they’re already consuming an adequate number of calories, we start with the following (please note that there is certainly nuance to each individual’s circumstances and goals, so these are not hard and fast recommendations).

• Assess their activity level and preferred type of activity – those who partake in high-intensity exercise usually require more carbohydrates, in addition to those who strength train or do weightlifting. Examples of high intensity exercise include Crossfit, Orange Theory, and sprints.

o   Those who partake in long endurance sports, such as running for more than one hour, will often benefit from an increased carbohydrate intake too.

o   Activities like yoga and leisurely walking don’t require much glycogen, so we can get away with fewer carbs.

• Slowly decrease fat intake (if desired) – this might include leaving off the extra fried egg, not adding the avocado, less cheese, less dressing or one with less oil, leaner cuts of meat, or PB2 instead of peanut butter.
• Slowly increase carbohydrate intake – I usually recommend starting with one meal a day due to the fear that often coincides with this, and if you prefer a portion guideline, you can use one cupped handful per meal to start.
• Consume protein in most meals – this is especially true if you’re active. This doesn’t have to be an animal source, but protein should be a component (preferably a main one) of most meals. This contributes to increased satiety and enhanced recovery.
• Assess short-term results and adjust as needed – Start with one change at a time, journal and monitor the results (physical and emotional), and adjust as needed. This might include keeping additional fats in one meal but removing them from the rest or adding an additional serving of carbs to each meal. Everyone is different, hence the reason personalized coaching can be so helpful.
• Assess long-term results – It takes time for our bodies to adjust when making diet changes, so please don’t be alarmed if it takes a few weeks for your digestion to begin functioning optimally.  Hormone changes, specifically the regulation of menstrual cycles, can take several months.  However, changes to sleep, mood, recovery, and athletic performance should occur rather quickly.

There is always nuance in diets and recommendations, so I can’t make specific recommendations for every situation in this post, but this is a general starting point for most people. Experimentation and adjusting based on results is an absolutely necessary part of the process, so don’t expect to nail down the optimal consumption of carbs, fats, and proteins right away.

How does this differ from obsessively tracking foods?  The goal and intent behind making and monitoring these changes is entirely different. We’re assessing our current nutritional choices in an effort to FEEL better, to provide our bodies with adequate and appropriate fuel, and to unlearn the multitude of rules we learned along the dieting road. NOT to exercise control or distract ourselves from uncomfortable emotions and situations.

We should view this as an opportunity to become more in sync with our bodies and to learn about their specific needs.

If this sounds too complicated, too obsessive, or like it requires too much brain power, especially if you’re in a place of wanting to free yourself from food obsession, then please don’t feel like this is a requirement right now. Our journeys to food and body freedom take time. All changes don’t need to occur within a condensed timeframe, and they certainly don’t need to occur simultaneously.

Unlearning all of the diet rules we’ve internalized is a process, and it requires a sufficient amount of mental energy and awareness in the beginning. However, after the initial “relearning” of what our bodies need, we’ll be more in sync than ever before, not to mention better equipped to respond to changes in the future. And we’ll be enjoying a hell of a lot more carbs tooJ