You Want to Be More Confident? A Better Body Won't Get You There

Confidence is a hot topic in the social media world, and in my opinion, there is a rather large misconception about its source and the various types. There is superficial confidence, which is based on, you guessed it, superficial measures. And there is true confidence, which is meaningful, deep, and unshakeable. Superficial confidence is the most widely touted form, and it seems to be the most widely sought after too. True confidence, on the other hand, may not present in such a grandiose or obvious manner as the former, therefore causing few people to pursue it.  We live in a world heavily focused on external validation, and we’re conditioned to define ourselves by such measures, so it’s no wonder most of us are lost when it comes to developing an unwavering sense of self.

When I was studying at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, one of the most powerful lightbulb moments for me was when we were discussing deeper, underlying goals of clients.  Many women are in pursuit of a better body in order to gain more confidence, and this makes sense given the world we live in. A leaner body means being noticed by others, perhaps being approved of or validated by them, therefore leading to increased levels of confidence.  But what if Joe Schmo or the girl you’re trying to impress doesn’t notice? Or doesn’t care? Or another girl walks in with a better body? Or worse, they still have something negative to say about your appearance? Confidence is then completely shattered. This sense of confidence was superficial and was never real to begin with, so it inevitably comes crashing down.

What if, instead of working towards a goal of “I’ll be confident when…”, we can focus on being confident right now?  This requires confidence being based off of something other than our appearance, which can be very challenging in the beginning. As women, we’re taught from a young age that our value is derived from our appearance, and for men, it’s often based on financial/career success. But the only way to build true and lasting confidence is to define yourself by who you are as a person, not anything outside of yourself.

For many of us, due to our focus on our appearance (or another superficial metric), we have neglected putting in the work on ourselves as human beings. And this person is fairly easy to identify, although they can present in various forms. A typical case is one who is always insecure about her body, is always focused on improving her appearance, is never content with the way she looks, judges and criticizes others based on their appearance or another superficial metric, and is either lacking in boundaries (i.e. the pushover) or is unkind, judgmental, and gossipy towards others.  Sure, her body might look good, but she’s either an asshole or let’s others treat her like an asshole due to not having spent time developing a strong sense of self or values.

Those who are focused on pursuing superficial confidence often judge others by the same metrics they’re striving for. They like to be around the attention-seeking and often loud types (there’s nothing wrong with being loud as long as it’s authentic!), because they perceive that as a marker of confidence. They like to be around physically attractive people, as this is what they find valuable in themselves. They’re often confused by those who are physically attractive but present with a lack of confidence, as they can’t understand someone not basing their worth off of their appearance.  I know this, because I used to be one of these people.

It wasn’t until I started working on myself as a person and really focusing on who I wanted to be that I began to develop a true sense of confidence. One that isn’t dependent on the way I look or the opinions of others. Sure, I’m certainly human and my feelings are hurt by mean comments, but I don’t strive for the approval of others anymore.  Rather, I ensure I am acting in alignment with the values I hold dear and then let the chips fall where they may. If others don’t resonate with me as a result, then it’s no loss to me, as I’m not pursuing their approval. I’m pursuing my own.  

When determining the qualities and values I want to embody in my life, I took a page from Joe Rogan and wrote down all of those I want to subscribe to and all of those I won’t tolerate within myself.  I was then forced to acknowledge where I had some work to do and put my money where my mouth is. 

While I have added some qualities, actions, and values to this list since its inception and will likely continue to do so as I evolve, those that compose the foundation are honesty, authenticity, kindness, trustworthiness, and boundaries. That last one might seem unusual, but it’s something I struggled with for a really long time, so it’s a non-negotiable for me.  I’m certainly not perfect when it comes to living by these values, but it’s something I work towards every day.  When I do fall short, I’m able to easily identify these instances and course-correct quickly. It’s difficult to ignore something that you’ve clearly established as a personal value.

By peeling back the layers of the ego (negativity, victimhood, jealousy, laziness, gossip, etc.) and focusing on becoming a better human being, our focus on our bodies naturally reduces. Rather than breaking down over “cheating” on our diet when we eat a donut, we feel gross when we act in a way that isn’t in alignment with our values and spend our energy there instead.  Instead of focusing on cellulite and the size of our jeans, let’s focus on reducing gossip, spending more quality time with people who matter to us, speaking kindly and honestly, or acting in alignment with whatever values we hold dear.

This isn’t meant to invalidate the pressure we feel to look a certain way, because it’s very real, but we have the choice to spend our time and energy elsewhere. And how we begin to define ourselves will follow suit.  By becoming clear on what we value and ensuring our actions are in alignment, we can then experience a solid and unwavering sense of self that isn’t deterred by the perceptions of others.  This is the confidence we’re all seeking, yet so many of us have been living according to the misguided notion that our bodies are the vehicle to this outcome.

Let’s spend our time on our internal landscape; discovering what values and qualities we find meaningful and important in ourselves and others. We can then adjust our actions to ensure we’re living in alignment and, most importantly, detach from the reactions of others. By doing so, we develop true confidence that is based on a solid, unwavering foundation as opposed to superficial and transient metrics. And the best part is that we can do this TODAY, not when our bodies change. That sense of true confidence is available to us at this very moment regardless of our appearance.

Balanced Baseline - What It Is & How to Find Yours

Before I knew anything about nutrition or fitness, my weight would naturally ebb and flow throughout the various stages of childhood and adolescence. I put on weight before big growth spurts, subsequently leaned out as I grew taller, and once again gained weight once I hit puberty. All natural and common phases a human body goes through.  For some reason, as we grow into adulthood, there is a common notion that our bodies should no longer be in a state of flux. However, this would require everything about our health, lifestyles, and priorities remaining the same.

After graduating college, I was a fully-grown woman, and when looking at these three variables, 1. Health – less than ideal (hello, missing period), 2. Lifestyle – I was working crazy hours at a desk job I hated, and 3. Priorities – partying and more partying. As a result, I was carrying more fat and less muscle than I do today. When I backpacked for a few months in Southeast Asia a few years ago, my hormones were still out of whack, my lifestyle consisted of a strict budget and surviving off of meals of rice, vegetables, and nuts for the most part with a TON of walking, and my priorities were to soak up every moment in a sober state. As a result, I lost both fat and muscle over the course of those three months and came back to the States about ten pounds lighter.  I can go on and on about the various phases of my life I’ve experienced, but the point I’m trying to make is that our bodies will naturally change in accordance with these factors.  And that’s perfectly OK.  We don’t have to hustle to “get our body back” or white-knuckle our way through maintaining a body we obtained through extreme priorities (i.e. neglecting other areas of our lives for the sake of a better body) or a lifestyle advantage (i.e. endless hours to be active).

Accepting the fact that my body will always be in a state of flux was a huge relief, as it eliminated the stress associated with maintaining a certain aesthetic. Our bodies will navigate numerous phases in our lives, many of them solely based on physical changes (pregnancy, fertility, menopause, injuries, etc.), so it’s important to learn to flow WITH them, not against them. What is gained can always be lost and vice versa, so detaching from a state of being that will inevitably change is incredibly freeing, and I would argue necessary for contentment.  

While I firmly believe in allowing our bodies to take various forms throughout our lives, I also understand the desire to maintain a relatively stable body composition in a stress-free way when our health, lifestyles, and priorities are consistent.  And to learn how to adjust our nutrition/eating habits in accordance with any changes of these factors. Constantly gaining and losing weight due to the diet hamster wheel can be incredible taxing, both physically and mentally, so finding our balanced baseline is ideal. This is our own personalized lifestyle and food habits that allow us to maintain our weight (if we want to), show up with energy in our daily lives, perform well in physical activities, sleep well, and most importantly, not stress about food or our bodies. Essentially, this is a personalized form of moderation and intuitive eating.  For someone who’s never experienced disordered eating habits or yo-yo dieting, this may seem like a walk in the park, but for those of us who have been in the thick of it, this can seem impossible.

So, how does one find their balanced baseline? Through experimentation, journaling, modifying, and repeating this series until you find what works best for YOU.  If you’ve been on an endless number of diets or nutrition programs designed by someone else, this might sound exhausting. And I get that. But wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to become your own guru and learn what works best for you, once and for all? This may very well be the last time you have to give a lot of thought to your food, and when I was in the thick of my food and body obsession, I would have given anything for that outcome.  While this process is highly individualized, there are some big picture items that are immensely helpful:

1.     Be Clear About What Foods You Enjoy/Don’t Enjoy - Make a list of foods you enjoy and another for those you dislike. From the list of foods you enjoy, highlight those that are one-ingredient foods. One ingredient foods are whole food items, such as meat, eggs, avocado, oatmeal, vegetables, fruits, grains, nuts, etc.  There’s no need to overthink this and ask whether peanut butter fits the bill (it does), so just use your best judgment as to whether the food is mostly natural and whole. Try to incorporate these items more often than the processed foods listed, but you can eat anything. Don’t eat anything from the list of those you don’t like. This is the first step is honing in on what YOU want to eat, not what someone has told you.

2.     Portion Sizes – It can be difficult to gauge portion sizes if you’ve been restricting, binging, or following a nutrition plan, so this one requires patience. In addition to a sufficient amount of mindfulness. When sitting down to your meals, pay attention to how much you need to actually feel satisfied without feeling stuffed.  Write down how long the meal sustained you before becoming hungry again, your energy levels for the following few hours, any subsequent cravings, your performance in your workout, and any other metric you deem important. For example, I realized that I have more stable energy, am full for a longer period of time (increased satiety), and don’t have cravings if I have a serving of protein the size of my palm at breakfast. Any less and I become hungry shortly thereafter. Note that ideal portion sizes can vary from meal to meal.

3.     Pay Attention to Hunger Cues – this is a big one, as many of us don’t know the signals our bodies are sending us due to years of ignoring and overriding them.  To start, make a list of the stages of hunger and divide into five categories. I will dive into these stages more thoroughly in a later post (there are eight), but for the sake of simplicity and being able to act on this immediately, we’ll start with five.

• One – you’re completely ravenous
• Two – you’re hungry but it’s tolerable
• Three – you’re satisfied, comfortable, and energized
• Four – you’re full and ate beyond comfort by a few bites
• Five – you’re overly full and experience discomfort

For each of these stages, list the physical indicators and signals your body sends you. For example, when I’m ravenous and in stage one, I experience lightheadedness, headaches, and sometimes get shaky. In stage two, I experience growling in my stomach that is only mildly distracting.  In stage three, I feel light, energized, and don’t have additional cravings. When in stage four, I feel a slight dip in energy with some pressure in my stomach.  In stage five, I experience tightness in my stomach, extreme lethargy, and may even feel pain in my stomach depending on how much I have overeaten. The goal is to stay within stages two and four, so understanding what these stages look like for YOU is extremely important. Bringing awareness to how and when you typically end up in stages one and five is also necessary.

4.     Gym Performance – this one took me a long time to come to terms with, because I felt that if I was manipulating my food intake in any way, then I was reverting to my obsessive patterns and behavior. However, my body doesn’t know when I’m about to workout, so I need to fuel it appropriately based on feedback from my body even if I’m not hungry. For some, working on an empty stomach is preferred, while others would have a terrible workout. Some prefer a snack of fat and protein, while others do better with a snack primarily composed of carbohydrates (note that this is largely based on the type and duration of the workout). For me, I realized that a small snack that is primarily composed of carbs is best for me before lifting heavy weights or doing Crossfit. However, I can do yoga or go for a leisurely run on an empty stomach or have a fat-based snack and feel just fine.

• Post-workout is also individualized. Most will find they don’t need to guzzle a protein shake immediately following a workout unless competing with multiple events in a day or back-to-back for a few days. Simply following hunger cues here works best for most people.

5.     Other Feedback Signals From Your Body – there are endless forms of feedback from our bodies, but the other key players are sleep, hormones, energy, and cravings. If your sleep starts to suffer, you may need more carbohydrates or to eat more in general (before bed can be especially helpful). For women, our monthly period cycles are great indicators of whether our bodies are happy and content. If it’s irregular or missing, your body is telling you something. If your energy is low or inconsistent, we have some work to do there. Finally, if you experience cravings after every meal or at a particular time of the day, we need to look at when you’re eating, how much, and how much protein, fat, or carbs.  In order to accurately assess these factors, journaling will be critical.

6.     Mindfulness – You knew this one was coming, didn’t you?  This is an imperative piece of the puzzle, and journaling throughout this process automatically brings an increased level of awareness with food habits. But we need a method of bringing more mindfulness and presence throughout our days beyond this initial experimental stage.  Meditation is a great way to bring more mindfulness to our days, as it teaches us to notice our thought patterns, detach from them, and choose a different narrative. When rewiring our eating habits for the long-haul, this is a non-negotiable. You can read about the importance of meditation and the impact it had on me here.

Monitoring all of these factors through journaling and then making adjustments based on the data gathered can seem tedious, but consider it an investment in your long-term health and happiness. And one that requires short-term sacrifices for long-term gain. Seriously, the value of understanding your body and what it’s telling you is invaluable.

The state and composition of our bodies will always be transient, so learning to detach from a specific outcome and allowing our bodies to ebb and flow will eliminate so much suffering. At the same time, it’s understandable to want to feel our best on a consistent basis, not stress about food, and to not experience frequent weight fluctuations when our health, priorities, and lifestyles are consistent. Or to make small adjustments if we can and want to when these factors change.

By focusing on the big picture items above, you’ll be well on your way to developing an eating framework that is designed by you, FOR YOU: your balanced baseline. Once this has been firmly established and practiced, making small changes in accordance with health, priorities, or lifestyle is infinitely easier, and mostly importantly, they’re built on a stress-free foundation of love and self-respect. Sounds like magic to me!

My 2018 Intentions

New Year, New You, right?  While I don’t believe in waiting until some arbitrary date to begin working towards new goals, it can be helpful to get clear on what you want to focus on in the New Year. A few years ago, I decided to focus on the energy I want to bring into the year, in addition to the qualities about myself I want to improve, as opposed to tangible goals. As such, I prefer to call them intentions, not resolutions. We can’t control outcomes, but we can control how we show up every day.

For 2018, there are five intentions of focus for me, and luckily, they’re all somewhat intertwined and interdependent.  Otherwise, five would simply be too much. I arrived at these intentions by reflecting on the energy I want to feel and have my life reflect going forward. So without further ado, I bring you my five intentions for 2018.  

1.     Be Present: I tend to future-trip quite a bit, meaning I’m living my life in the future in my head. I get ahead of myself, and my expectations of what’s to come are then out of alignment, as I can’t predict the future. Who would have thought? Living my life in the future also leaves me with a general lack of fulfillment due to the shortage of engagement with the world in front of me. I don’t often dwell on the past, but this is a bigger issue for some people than living in the future. Either way, it’s SO easy to let our minds take over and bring us away from the present moment.

My plan of action to facilitate this increase in presence is to continue my morning meditation practice, to stop and enjoy sunrises and sunsets when I can, and to spend more time in nature. Nothing grounds me and gets me out of my head quite like being in nature.

2.     Do What Makes Me Uncomfortable: I watched one of Gary Vee’s Instagram posts earlier this year, and it really stuck with me. He said that most of us are walking around here acting like we’re coming back, and I know that’s been so true for me. It’s easy to forget that life is finite and that we have one chance at this thing. But in order to see the progress I want to see next year, and to simply live the life in envision for myself, I need to say and do the things that make me uncomfortable.

I don’t particularly enjoy being uncomfortable in the moment, but I’m always so happy I did said thing afterwards. Even if the end result isn’t as I envisioned or hoped, I’ve never regretted at least trying. To me, regret is far more terrifying than being uncomfortable or afraid. Besides, what’s the worst thing that can happen? We’ve all overcome rejection, failure, hurt feelings, embarrassment, etc. before, and we can do it over and over again. Based on my experience, it gets easier over time.

Playing it safe looks good on the surface, but I believe it leads to an empty and shallow life. And after speaking to those who are living boldly, I’ve come to realize that they’re just as afraid and uncomfortable as the rest of us. The difference is in how they choose to respond. So in 2018, if it scares me (and isn’t actually dangerous), I’m going for it!

3.     More Authenticity & Vulnerability: that last word makes a lot of people cringe, as it did for me for a great while, but I’m sold after diving into the work of Brene Brown. These two go hand-in-hand, as true vulnerability requires being our true selves at all times (authenticity), even when we’d rather conform to make things more comfortable. Enter intention # 2.

One of Brene’s quotes from her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, struck a huge cord with me a few years ago. Paraphrased, it said that we feel much worse if we’re rejected when trying to be someone we’re not as opposed to being rejected for being our real selves. And I completely agree, as we’re also rejecting ourselves in the former scenario.

So in an effort to support myself fully, to make myself uncomfortable, and to connect with others on a deeper level, I’ll be making a concerted effort to fully be myself and then detach from the outcome. I can’t control how others respond to me, and I find this to be a great filtering system for the people in my life. If my authentic self isn’t for some people, then I realize that sooner rather than later (and it’s best for everyone involved). Conversely, those who appreciate me for me will not only stay, but I’ll be attracting those people too.

4.     Be More Open, but with Boundaries: being more open was my sole intention in 2016, and I definitely noticed a difference as a result. But there is still progress to be made. In a recent discussion about my “Why” while back home, I was told that I tend to be more standoff-ish with people until I know I can trust them, as trust is the foundation of my Why. It was great to understand the underlying reason why I tend to err on the side of caution initially, but it is possible to be open and still maintain boundaries. And that’s what I’m working towards.

Danielle Laporte says, “Open, gentle heart. Big fucking fence.” And until the last couple years, I didn’t realize this was possible due to the seeming contradiction.  Essentially, the goal is to maintain an open heart and to only let people beyond the fence who are respectful, kind, interested, and loving. I have a difficult time balancing openness with boundaries, as I tend to start with being closed on top of boundaries. It’s quite the force field. Going forward, I intend to give people the benefit of the doubt upon initially meeting them, to be open to the possibility of connecting with anyone new that I meet, to follow my intuition with others, to still remain kind-hearted even when I don’t align with someone, and to remain unapologetic about establishing boundaries with those I believe it is necessary.

5.     Cultivate & Contribute to my Tribe: The word "tribe" can carry a negative connotation, as it can exude a sense of exclusivity, but to me it embodies the notion of a supportive, loyal, and uplifting community. However, I believe this can only be true when we implement boundaries and cultivate our tribe with care and discernment. John Rohn says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” and I certainly notice subconscious changes within myself depending on the people I’m surrounding myself with on a regular basis. When we’re around people who gossip, have a victim mentality, are pessimistic, are unmotivated, etc., then it’s easy to slip into a similar state of mind. Conversely, that shit doesn’t fly when we’re surrounded by kind, positive, and motivated people who take ownership of their mindset and lives.

I’m fortunate to have several people in my life who embody these qualities, and I will be focusing more time and energy on these relationships and less on those that tend to have deleterious effects. Additionally, it is our responsibility to show up to these relationships with the same positive attributes. We don’t want to be responsible for decreasing anyone’s average; amiright?

January 1st isn’t a magical date that carries more significance than any other, but it can be a solid starting point for making changes if we’re struggling to find the proper time. This date also tends to bring about a tendency for reflection, so all-in-all, I think it’s a great time of the year. The trouble comes when we quickly lose motivation and forget the intentions we have made, so I recommend writing them down and putting them in a clearly visible place in your home. If we focus on why we want to implement these changes and the likely benefits, the chances of follow-through significantly increase.

Wishing everyone a productive, challenging, adventurous, and exciting 2018!

Priorities - Are your Actions in Alignment?

We live in a world where we want everything at once, often without putting in the work, and our initial reaction is to complain when we don’t have said thing. Interestingly, we’re often not even aware that our actions don’t align with our priorities, and this is usually due to a lack of clarity around our priorities in the first place. In order to be clear about our priorities, we need to really be honest with ourselves about the time and effort we’re willing to put in for each competing priority.  Conversely, there is another end of the priorities spectrum, where we’re willing to sacrifice everything for one goal and the other areas of our lives suffer. For long-term success and happiness, I don’t believe in either approach: putting all our proverbial priority-eggs in one basket or having such scattered and unclear priorities that we don’t accomplish anything.

This topic has been swirling around my head since my Crossfit competition a few weeks ago, as I was frustrated about my performance in a particular movement (toes to bar). Upon reflection and a conversation with a friend, I realized that felt the same way about several other movements I don’t excel at. My initial reaction has been to play the victim and relish in my inability to be successful right off the bat, but when I reflected on the consistent work and effort I had put in to improve upon these skills and movements, it was dismal.  This dismal effort is fine if improving upon these skills isn’t a priority for me, but then I need to accept the outcome. I can’t have it both ways.

I lived on the opposite end of the spectrum with my food and body obsession for years, as I sacrificed almost every other area of my life as a result. My priority was my appearance and my subconscious self-obsession, and this was accurately reflected when looking at the other areas of my life. I isolated myself from friends and family, I turned down parties and other social occasions in favor of my strict regimen, and I neglected my health, even when my body was showing me clear signs of desperation.  My relationships, my happiness and growth as a person, my health, and my life experiences all suffered as a result of my body obsession. I’m not here to tell anyone that living their life in this way is wrong, and in some professions or in preparation for competitions these sacrifices may be necessary, but prioritizing my life in this way wasn’t right for me. And it took a long time to arrive at this conclusion.

It’s really easy to float through life without any clear picture of what is actually important to us, but this can also be very chaotic and unfulfilling, as our actions, mindset, and lives as a whole will be a reflection of this. We say we want to improve our health and lose some weight, but we actually prefer wings and beer every night in lieu of the gym and healthy meals. We say we want to be in a committed relationship, but we’re not willing to make the effort and put ourselves out there. We say we want to improve our toes to bar or double-unders (personal tidbit here), but we’re not staying after class to practice. We say we want to save money to travel, but frivolously spend our money on things we don’t need. We say we want to free ourselves of our food and body obsession, but we’re not willing to accept that our bodies may change as a result. To be clear, none of these priorities is incorrect, and they’ll ebb and flow throughout our lives, but we need to solidify what is actually important enough to act on. And then we must accept what we’re sacrificing as a result.

In order to effectively determine our priorities and how we can align our actions accordingly, I recommend the following:

1.     Make a list of everything that is important to you and any related goals. Be as detailed as possible here. For example, instead of saying “relationships” or “my performance in the gym,” list the relationships that are most important to you or the specific movements/skills you want to improve.

2.     Rank priorities in order of most important to least. This is your initial gut reaction of what you feel is most important, so don’t feel the need to edit right now; that will come later.

3.     Detail the sacrifices required for each priority: these will evolve as you continue to invest in this action or goal, so they’re based on the information we have today. Many of the sacrifices required will only come to light once we begin acting in greater alignment with our priorities and goals, so this information is based on our current assumptions.

4.     Note which priorities are conflicting (i.e. wanting to party but also wanting to lose weight and improve performance in the gym), and rank the conflicting priorities in order of importance. The results of this exercise will likely prompt you to rearrange the list you created in Step 2. Ensure the information gathered in this step is consistent with your listing in Step 2.

5.     Take an inventory of where you’re currently spending your time, and list your priorities accordingly. For example, if I invest most of my free time in socializing with friends and don’t spend any time practicing a hobby I want to improve, then I will list socializing at the top of my list and my hobby at the bottom. Honesty is key here, and bullshitting ourselves won’t do us any favors.

6.     Identify the gaps between what we truly want to prioritize (our list from step 2) and where we’re spending our time (step 5). Everyone, myself included, is surprised by the dissonance between our actions and priorities when we finally utilize some awareness, so you should expect there to be some misalignment.  We may even find that we spend a lot of time and energy on things that aren’t on our list of priorities at all.  Just consider it a starting point!

7.     Develop an action plan: Oftentimes, simply bringing awareness to the lack of alignment between our actions and goals is a sufficient impetus for change, but the more detailed we can be, the better. For each priority, determine your plan of action that is tailored to you and your lifestyle. You may only have 10-15 minutes after your Crossfit or yoga class to work on skills, while someone else has a full hour. This is about finding what works best for YOU, not your friend.

8.     Modify based on real-time data and feedback. Determine whether you truly want to spend your time and energy differently based on feedback from implementing your plan. This will become clearer once you start spending your time and energy on the items at the top of your list, as you may find that you don’t in fact want to sacrifice for said priority/goal.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s a great thing to discover the difference between what we think we want and what we actually want.

Using myself and my priorities as an example, I told myself a few months ago that I wanted to buckle down and focus on improving my double-unders. This has been a loose goal of mine ever since joining crossfit, but it crept up on my list of priorities when I realized there was a chance I would be required to do them (or at least attempt to) during the team competition I recently completed in. I decided to spend 10 minutes before or after class working on this movement, but I wasn’t willing to spend any additional time.  I became more comfortable with them as a result, but I still have a long way to go.  Would I have seen greater improvement had I spent 30 minutes a day working on them? Absolutely. But I decided to accept the outcome of 10 minutes a few times per week, as other priorities like work and my relationships are more important right now. I had to adjust my expectations according to my priorities and actions, and it really made the end result quite easy to accept.  Would I have liked to see this movement improve drastically? Yes. Would I have been willing to experience greater improvement at the expense of my work and relationships? No. Acting like the victim and complaining about my marginal improvements doesn’t serve me, and conversely, expecting myself to be great at everything doesn’t either.  We all have to pick our choose our priority battles.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

-       Mahatma Gandhi

I wholeheartedly believe in these words, and if we really tune in and bring awareness to the alignment (or lack thereof) of our thoughts, words, and actions, we can identify where and when we need to adjust. Deep down, we know when one of these elements is out of alignment, but we usually resort to pushing through and succumbing to what is expected of us, the pressure of perfection, popular opinion, or the victim mentality. And that can dangerously become our normal; our baseline. But that’s a passive way of showing up in this world, and we can be much more impactful when we assume responsibility and take action. Do you need to show yourself some grace and stop expecting yourself to excel at everything? Or do you need to stop blaming the outside world for your own lack of responsibility and action?  It's likely a combination of both. Regardless of the circumstance, I have found that realigning actions with priorities results in significantly less stress.

This isn’t intended to make us feel like failures, but rather it can provide a great sense of relief when we finally admit what isn’t really a priority for us. I have found that life is so much more enjoyable when my priorities, actions, and thoughts are in alignment. And we might discover that some of the things we thought we wanted to prioritize aren’t really worth the sacrifices. Everyone wants the six-pack, but are we really willing to sacrifice all the things it takes to get one? There isn’t a right or wrong answer, but it’s important to find the right answer for you.

The Myth of Perfection and How to Challenge our Fear of Failure

Within the last month, I have experienced a few public moments of failure that sent me into a tailspin of self-doubt and a serious ego-trip. One was in a team CrossFit competition a few weeks ago when I didn’t perform as well as I had anticipated during one of the movements. The other was last week, when I made a few mistakes during a presentation to business leaders in my corporate job. Now that I’ve had some time to process those events and talk to a few people about my reactions to them, I’m able to reflect on these opportunities for growth and more clearly understand my responses to them.

It has also become quite clear that we all struggle with this on some level.  After divulging my own stories, several of my friends and family members have subsequently shared their own about the need to be perceived as perfect, and most of them revealed that they either avoid the situations altogether or they self-sabotage so they don’t have to publicly display their “imperfection.”  For example, one friend purposely performed poorly during soccer tryouts her senior year of high school, because the stakes were so much higher, and she didn’t want to fail according to the higher standard.  She would rather not play at all than have to demonstrate that she wasn’t the best. Another is currently afraid to quit a job she hates, because the people in her social circle might view her as a failure in the difficult industry she’s in.  Another avoids asking out the girls he’s interested in, because he assumes he’ll be perceived as just another guy hitting on them and will be rejected. Another is hustling so hard to achieve the perfect body and can’t reveal that to others, because she needs her self-image to be perceived as confident and effortless. All of us are plagued by the need to be perceived as perfect in some way.

I really don’t enjoy not being good at things, and I don’t know anyone who does. So many of us have been programmed to believe that we must be perfect or we’re not enough.  Based on my conversations with others, the reason behind this commonly held belief varies based on each person’s specific upbringing, but the responses are very similar. We’re all ashamed to be seen as less than perfect, and our initial reaction is to avoid situations that might reveal our shortcomings.

Using my own recent experiences as examples, I had no interest in competing in the team CrossFit competition, because I knew there would be movements in the workouts I don’t do well and some I simply can’t do.  In regards to my presentation, I have never been a fan of public speaking, and I have never sought out an opportunity to do so. Despite receiving positive feedback after most of my presentations and public speaking engagements, I always get nervous before, and I can’t stand the idea of others potentially seeing those nerves (they usually can’t, but last week they did). Maintaining an image of limited shortcomings seems preferable to actually living my life and experiencing “failure.”  At least this is the mindset I had until a few years ago, and it clearly still needs a lot more work.

Now that the initial sting of publicly displaying a few of my many weaknesses (“opportunities for development,” as we call them in the workplace) has worn off, I am able to understand that my initial reaction of never wanting to put myself in those situations again is not the right approach. In fact, it’s a terrible one. Rather, we can all do the following when faced with these situations:

1.     Talk about our fears, insecurities, shortcomings, stories of rejection, etc. with people we trust. We connect with these parts of each other, not images of perfection. It simply doesn’t exist, so how can anyone resonate with it?  As Brene Brown states, shame needs secrecy and silence to survive, so simply saying these things out loud is immensely helpful. Every time I have shared my personal struggles and fears around failure, the other person has a very similar story, and they certainly have experienced almost identical feelings. One of the great benefits of talking openly about insecurities is the ability for other people to connect with us in a deeper way, and it might be the invitation they’ve been looking for to openly discuss their own struggles too. 

2.     Consider the worst-case scenario: when we’re faced with a situation where failure is an option, think of the worst-case scenario. Imagine yourself failing, being rejected, showing embarrassment, whatever the case may be. And ask yourself if you can survive. I usually get a pit in my stomach at the thought of one of those outcomes, but yes, I will always survive. Chances are you will too.

3.     Intentionally put ourselves into more situations that will require us to face these fears: Once we have determined that we will in fact survive the situation, we need to force ourselves to do the thing that may result in failure. This has been the biggest game-changer for me, because acting in spite of our fears reinforces the belief in ourselves that we can do the things we’re afraid of. Especially when I fail and get right back at it. This creates a positive feedback loop, and the momentum is huge!  It’s a great way to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

Staying in our comfort zones and our neat little boxes of what we excel at makes for a really boring and stale life. It's the easy way out, it protects our egos, and it's comfortable, but it's also a sure way to keep us stagnant without any growth.  We'll never reach the level of success we ultimately want if we're paralyzed by our fear of failure or if we don’t know how to continue moving forward despite those outcomes. Additionally, we're doing everyone else around us a serious disservice if we're not willing to show our flaws and the reality of simply being human.  We can't connect with each other's images of perfection, because they're simply not real.

Imagine what would be possible if we all collectively dropped our need to be perceived as perfect. We can’t control others, but we can commit to shattering our own perfected image. A life of imperfect adventure sounds like a hell of a lot more fun to me.

Feeling Like Sh*t After Thanksgiving?

I distinctly remember how the Sunday after Thanksgiving used to feel for me for years.  I was filled with remorse and guilt, in addition to feeling physically unwell, due to excessive amounts of alcohol and processed foods for days on end.  To be clear, there is nothing wrong with having a bit more booze and/or food than usual around the holidays, but I was taking it to a new level. I would polish off several chocolate chip cookies per day, have a large bowl of ice cream at night, eat huge servings of leftovers that I wasn’t remotely hungry for, and tack on whatever other foods were on my “bad” list of foods. This was on top of getting drunk every night and drinking for most of the day.  The worst part of this cycle was the feeling that I couldn’t control it. I would anticipate how I was going to feel by the end of the weekend and felt defeated before the holiday had even started.  Helpless is the best word to describe how I felt. 

The weeks following Thanksgiving were then filled with excessive restriction in an effort to combat my binge-like behavior. I was swinging from one end of the spectrum of extremes to the other; failing to realize the causal relationship between the two. Now I know better. I know that attempting to combat a few days or even weeks of overdoing it by overly restricting will just cause the vicious cycle to continue.  While I am now able to navigate the holidays without overdoing it, I still indulge more than usual (wine is typically my choice over holiday foods). And I occasionally feel the pangs of desire to subsequently restrict as penance for this behavior.  But please take it from me when I tell you that this is the wrong approach. Your relationship with food and your body will only diminish as a result, and you won’t make any physical progress either.  A better approach is to jump right back into our healthy and balanced lifestyles while being mindful of our individual responses to these situations, in addition to a few short-term strategies to assist with feeling great again. 

Everyone reacts differently to overindulgence on a physical level and we typically fall into one of two categories:

1. Becoming a sugar demon (or other intense craving): For some, a few days of indulging in sugar, alcohol, or other processed foods prompts further intense cravings for these. Given that these products are manufactured with this response in mind (i.e. they have a high reward value), this is not an indication of failure or lack of discipline, so please don’t perceive this behavior through a moral lens.  It’s simply a physical response that many of us experience. Are natural, whole foods now unappetizing to you? Are you constantly thinking of when you can have said processed food/drink next? If so, your body and mind have likely been roped into this cycle, and you will need to practice more awareness than usual until these cravings dissipate. Call these cravings out and acknowledge their existence. From here, you can implement more tactical strategies, like grocery shopping and only purchase whole, natural foods, or if your lifestyle primarily consists of takeout, then only purchase meals that consist of whole foods. You will need to make it as easy as possible to make the more nutrient dense choice.
   • Note: Don’t vow to never have a certain food again as a result of overindulging, as this will only lead to a negative relationship with food and you won’t trust yourself around it.  Simply prioritize natural, whole foods for most of your meals (as I hope you’re doing regularly) and these cravings will begin to diminish.
2. Wanting nothing to do with processed foods or alcohol: I tend to fall into this camp, while many of my family members fall into the previous category. My body is sensitive to alcohol and processed foods, so it doesn’t take much to make me feel unwell.  As I prefer to feel great, I will naturally gravitate towards whole foods and tend to avoid the processed foods and booze for a few days until my body is back to feeling like normal.  Admittedly, experiencing this reaction is much easier than the former, as it simply requires listening to our bodies and acting accordingly.

Aside from bringing awareness to our individual responses to overindulgence, I use a few easy strategies that assist with getting our bodies back to their balanced baselines.

• Prioritize sleep: For those of us who experience terrible sleep as a result of too much booze or processed foods, we need to do our bodies a favor and assist with the recovery process. Poor sleep also increases the hormone responsible for increased hunger and decreases our satiety hormone, so hitting the hay early will lend itself to making better choices too.
• Stay hydrated: dehydration due to alcohol, travel, or sugar leads to low energy, poor sleep, and contributes to cravings.  There is no need to overdo it with this; simply get back into your usual water habits and be mindful of your thirst.
• Pay attention to carbohydrate consumption: carbohydrates hold more water in our bodies than protein and fat do, and this contributes to the post-holiday bloat many of us experience. Even one day of fewer carbohydrates will aid with ridding our bodies of this excess water.  Note: I do NOT recommend “no” carbs here, and this is not an excuse to restrict. If you anticipate this will prompt obsessive behaviors, then skip this one. I simply don’t have carbohydrates with one or two of my meals for one day only, and I then immediately return to my usual balanced meals.
• Get a workout in as soon as possible: This isn’t a form of punishment AT ALL. It may feel more difficult than usual, but I often find that I have some of my best workouts due to the extra fuel. Sweating and getting our heart rates up helps our bodies and minds recalibrate, it demonstrates to our brains that we’re back into our healthy routines, and it’s also an opportunity to use the extra fuel to our advantage.

o   Performing glycolytic activity (those that utilize glycogen from carbohydrates as the primary fuel source) will further contribute to decreasing excess water in the body. Examples include heavy weightlifting, sprints, and HIIT. 

The most important aspect of implementing these strategies is our mindset. We’re not practicing these strategies out of guilt or self-hatred.  Rather, we’re doing them because we care about our bodies and minds, and we want to get back to feeling our best. Here’s to feeling back on top on no time!

Falling in Love with the Process – The Long Game

Whenever we begin a new endeavor related to health, fitness, career, relationships, or personal development, it’s so easy to simply focus on the point of “arrival” and where we believe we need to be.  Having a goal in mind is certainly important, but the process along the way is where the magic happens.  This is where we grow and learn about ourselves, about others, identify our strengths and areas for improvement, and learn how to pivot when things don’t go according to plan.  Which is usually the case. After all, we don’t actually have control over the end result, only our actions and our attitudes.

If we really think about it, the end goal or point of arrival is an arbitrary concept we have in our minds, and we feel as though the work will suddenly cease to exist once we get there.  “If I can just get there, then everything in my life will fall into place.” We work hard to lose weight and get the body we’ve always wanted, and then what?  We have to continue to put in the work to maintain it.  We want the promotion or to start your own business?  Once we get it, we have to work just as hard, if not harder, to stay there.  We want the dream relationship or family?  We have to consistently put in the work to grow together and independently while navigating curveballs in life.  We want to cultivate new meaningful friendships?  We have to continue to show up and put in the effort once the relationships have been established.  If we’re not in love with the process, which is actually where we spend 99.9% of our time in life, then we’re going to be constantly disappointed and focused on the next best thing.

I’ve read and listened to this concept SO many times, but it didn’t really click for me until I found myself wrapped up in starting my own business and needing to reach a certain level of success by X amount of time. And then it dawned on me: what happens when I get there?  I still have to show up in the same way I am now, with hard work and dedication.  Additionally, what am I supposed to do with all of my time until I reach that point, whenever it may be?  Am I going to be ungrateful for my life now until I reach that point, waiting for the days to tick by?  Hell no.  I’m going to focus on what I can do today and learn as much as I can about my work and myself and enjoy the shit out of the process along the way. 

This concept applies so distinctly to goals with our bodies.  We get so attached to reaching a certain aesthetic, only to realize that nothing outside of looking different has actually changed. And now we’re tasked with maintaining a body we may have obtained through hatred, loneliness, low self-esteem, or any other negative emotion. If we’re making changes to our bodies via a miserable process, mentally or physically, then not only are we not going to be able to maintain the results, but we’re going to be just as miserable internally, if not more so, once it’s all said and done. A better approach that is more sustainable and enjoyable is as follows:

1.     Identify what you want to learn and/or gain throughout the process: These items should not be related to anything outside of our control or based on an outcome (i.e. opinions of others, fitting into a dress size, achieving a PR at the gym, etc.) Rather, these need to be intrinsic motivators or factors we enjoy about the actual process. Examples include learning more about our relationship with food, making ourselves uncomfortable in workouts and pushing last limiting beliefs, demonstrating self-respect by putting our well-being first, or simply committing to a challenge.

2.     Detail why the items in Step One are important: becoming clear on the benefits we will experience as a result of the items in Step One is important, otherwise we won’t be able to connect the short-term discomfort we’re bound to experience to the long-term benefits. For example, if I am journaling and practicing awareness with my eating habits because I want to improve and gain a better understanding of my relationship with food, then I will clearly explain via journaling why increasing my awareness of this relationship is important to me. In my case, I wanted to improve my relationship with food because I wanted to free up my time and energy for things I find more important in my life.  Essentially, I wanted freedom from the obsession, and that became my north star when I started to experience doubt, laziness, or discomfort during the process.

3.     Detach from the Outcome: While striving for a specific outcome can certainly be motivating, the outcome is usually outside of our realm of control.  And failing to achieve said outcome can be a source of frustration, self-criticism, and eventually giving up.  We can only control our mindset and our efforts through action, so there is great freedom is letting the rest go. By releasing the outcome and simply focusing on the process, we remove any reason for “giving up,” as we can’t actually fail when the process never ends and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.

4.     Revisit Steps One and Two Over and Over Again: We need to remind ourselves why the process is important to us. It’s easy to lose sight of what we gain throughout the process, as changes and shifts are usually small and often unnoticeable, in addition to them being downright unenjoyable at times.  The process is where the growth happens, and in my experience, growth is uncomfortable 90% of the time (Jessie statistics). So, we need to constantly revisit the details in Steps One and Two.

5.     Re-do Steps One and Two When Goals and Priorities Shift: What we want to learn and gain throughout a particular process is inevitably going to shift at some point. This can be due to shift in priorities, changing interests, or simply needing an additional challenge after experiencing sufficient growth. When motivation starts to wane, even after revisiting the details of Steps One and Two, then it might be time to revise those details.

This mindset is relevant to aspects of life, including physical or aesthetic goals, relationships, career, and personal development.  Want to develop a better relationship with food and your body image?  Or build muscle?  Or work on your relationship with a friend or family member?  Or get promoted at work? Or improve something about yourself? All of these things take time, and the moment we achieve them is simply that: a brief moment in time.  And then we’re on to chasing the next shiny object.  We can’t neglect the journey while in pursuit of our dreams, or we’re essentially missing out on life itself.  While it’s still very much a work in progress for me, I’ve experienced a huge sense of relief and so much more enjoyment from the moment I decided to start relaxing into the process of life and focus on what I can control: my effort and my attitude.